


when my mind runs wild

by dreyfleet



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Cuddles, Felix centric, Felix needs love, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Multi, References to depression/anxiety/worthlessness, aussie line love each other, entirely self-indulgent I just want hugs, me projecting my feelings onto felix because I don't know how else to express them whoops
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-23
Updated: 2018-05-23
Packaged: 2019-05-13 01:58:34
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,065
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14739900
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dreyfleet/pseuds/dreyfleet
Summary: felix overworks his body and his mind trying to be good enough,he has 8 roommates to remind him that he already is





	when my mind runs wild

I stopped the music flooding through the practice room, trying to catch my breath and feeling frustration rising as I made a mistake again. I had been trying to perfect a new piece of choreography for hours now – the others had long gone home - and my knees were close to giving in, my vision swimming. But I couldn’t stop; not until it was perfect.

I sighed, angrily wiping sweat off my forehead and starting the song again, my limbs locking into the starting position and quickly moving of their own accord. I was clenching my teeth in concentration as the hardest part came up, desperately forcing my muscles through their exhaustion.

I almost had it. I almost had it perfect. But I missed the beat my foot was supposed to flick right on, and then the beat I was supposed to turn to, and quickly I was behind the song, the melody carrying on without me. I let out a shout of anger, snatching the hat off my head and throwing it at the mirror, my lungs burning. I dropped onto my knees and then back onto my hands, ignoring the jarring of my wrists and struggling to catch my breath, my vision blurring white momentarily.

I sat still until I could see, and think again, and my breath was no longer wheezing. The song had long ended, leaving me in the silence of the steaming room. 

I clenched my fists into the fabric of my shorts, trying desperately to hold back the tears threatening to bubble up and biting my lip harshly. Lifting my head, I met my own gaze in the mirror, instantly grimacing at the sight. Noxious thoughts began snapping in and out of my head, about how I couldn’t get anything right, I was useless. I snapped my gaze away and down to the floor, alarmed by my own voice in my head; how harsh it was.

I glanced at the clock. It wasn’t even late, but I knew it was useless to try and continue in this state. I sighed, forcing my body to move and stand up, knees wobbling under me, and turned everything off, slipping a jacket over my clammy skin and heading home.

The dorm was always full of life. Whether the whole group was there, or there were only two members, it was rarely silent, and never felt empty. When I got home that night, I wasn’t sure if I was grateful for that or not.

I didn’t announce myself when I unlocked the door; I could barely stop my hands from shaking on the doorknob or my legs from giving way beneath me, let alone shout over the noise and laughter emanating from the rest of the apartment. I felt as though my emotions were brimming over, and I was right on the edge of a breakdown. I slipped off my shoes and tried to make my way to the room Jisung, Seungmin and I shared without anyone noticing I had come home.

But I met Jisung’s eyes through the door of the kitchen, his face lighting up as he saw me.

“Felix! You’re back!” The others turned at his remark, grinning at me and shouting various greetings. I was still in the darkness of the hallway, so I knew they couldn’t see my face well. I clenched my jaw and tried to put on a happier expression as I walked towards them. They were all gathered around the table, Minho and Chan cooking behind them, bickering quietly.

I appeared in the doorway, leaning my weight against the frame, partly for support and partly to hide as much of myself as I could from them.

“I’m really tired guys, I think I’m just going to head to bed.” I said, surprised at how weak my voice sounded – I hadn’t spoken out loud for hours. Woojin frowned. 

“Aren’t you going to eat something?” I smiled, shaking my head.

“I’m not really hungry.” I said quickly, turning to walk towards my room but someone caught my arm and tugged at it gently. I turned my head to see Jeongin with his hand on my sleeved arm, peering up at me with big eyes.

“Felix, please just eat something quickly before you go to bed.” He pouted, using his other hand to grip my fingers, Hyunjin laughing at his acting. And despite the heaviness in my skull and the thoughts weighing my body down, a bud of warmth bloomed in my chest, and I couldn’t stop the corners of my lips from quirking up. He grinned up at me, taking that as yes and shuffling over, pulling me down between him and Seungmin.

I don’t know how they knew. Maybe they didn’t. But the warmth in my chest started to grow, spreading out of my rib cage and down into my stomach, and the weight constricting my throat began to loosen as I sat there. 

It was in the way Seungmin kept an arm steady over my shoulder, his fingers pressing lightly into my skin as he chatted animatedly with Hyunjin opposite him, and how Jeongin laid his head gently against my shoulder, wriggling him arms around my waist and whining about how tired he was.

Woojin sat opposite me, his eyes pushing into crescents as he gave me the brightest smile, seeing that I wasn’t in the mood to talk and instead telling me all about his day, gesturing with large expressions and jokes. It was in the way Minho placed a hot bowl of food in front of me, poking his head in between Seungmin and I to give me a grin and a joke about how I had better pretend to like it even if it was terrible; how his hand lay on my head, lingering in my hair for a moment before moving around to the other side of the table. 

It was in the way Hyunjin noticed me pushing my food around, my stomach still swirling with leftover anxiety, and without a word reached over with his chopsticks to pick some of it out and shove it in his mouth before anyone would notice. I laughed at his attempts to hide it from the others, coughing as he put a chunk of rice in his mouth too quickly, and waving it off as the rest of us stifled laughs at Minho’s offended expression. If anything could have made me happy in that moment, it would have been being surrounded by them.

I began to gather everyone’s empty bowls, feeling guilty that I had barely said a word the entire meal, and carried them to the sink to help out. Chan joined me a moment later, hands softly taking one of the pans I was holding and starting to wash it up beside me. I looked up to see him watching me with a gentle expression.

“You okay?” He asked me quietly, in English. I almost laughed at how perceptive he was, and nodded, nudging his shoulder with my own and starting to wipe down the pot in my hand. I turned my head slightly away from him, feeling his eyes on my face. His question had thrown me. My throat closed up, and I cleared it quietly, rinsing the pot and putting it down to dry before making my way to the door.

“I’m heading to bed, ‘night guys.” I mumbled, turning my head away as they all looked at me and called goodnight. I stumbled to my room, well aware that they would be talking about me, or at least the eldest would be sharing concerned looks. I hated it. I didn’t deserve their worry.

Once I was alone, and had the darkness and the silence of the room all to myself, I was hit full-force by whatever had been held at bay by the conversation at dinner. The warmth in my ribcage was smothered, ice filling my chest and my head began to feel as though it was shrinking. I lay down in my bed, my body exhausted but my mind reeling. I remembered the dance, and every other thing I had messed up that day, that week, that year.

My only option was to try and sleep, hoping to drown out my own thoughts with fatigue. But despite the exhaustion in my body, I wasn’t tired enough. I lay, facing the wall, and listened, as everyone else gradually went to bed, the main lights turning off as Jisung and Seungmin walked in, trying to keep quiet as to not wake me up. I didn’t want them to know I was still awake; it would only generate more unnecessary worry, so I lay still as they shuffled around, getting into bed and lying quiet, their heavy breaths soothing me a little. 

But I couldn’t turn off my brain. I tried thinking of things that made me happy, shaking my head to rid myself of the thoughts poisoning it, but I couldn’t stop what it was saying. I didn’t know how long I had been lying there, but I was so tired. I just wanted to fall asleep, and have peace from my own head, but I couldn’t.

Tears of frustration began to well up in my eyes again, exhaustion and helplessness building up in my throat. I figured better to let them out now than at a time when the others were awake. But once they started I couldn’t stop them; tears leaked uncontrollably from my eyes and my body began to curl in on itself to stop sobs racking through it. I was trying so hard to keep quiet, my hand clamped over my mouth and my eyes squeezed shut tightly, but it did little to stop the stifled cries leaking through my fingers. I took my hand away and got up as quietly as possible. I had to get out.

I shut the door to our bedroom carefully and went to sit on the couch in the centre of the dorm, putting my face in my hands. The room was dim, and the dorm entirely quiet. I thought about all the people asleep in the rooms around me, all so young and talented, and kind, on top of that. What was I, next to them? Questions of why I was even there only made me clench my teeth harder. Why couldn’t my head stay quiet?

“Felix?” The voice was whispered from behind me, but I could tell immediately who it was; the accent leaking through easily to my ears. Curse Chan and his light sleeping. I hurriedly wiped my eyes with my sleeves, sitting up and trying to control my breaths as he padded over to peer at my face through the dim light.

“Oh, Fe…” He breathed as he caught a glimpse of my face in the pale light leaking through the window, his eyebrows creasing and his mouth immediately turning downwards. He sat beside me carefully, hands shifting as if he didn’t know what to do with them but keeping his eyes trained on me as I tried to give him a smile, denying the obvious fact that I was crying only moments ago.

He didn’t say anything for a while, just sat beside me with kind eyes trained on my face, as he waited for me to collect my thoughts. He seemed to be waiting for me to say something; explain myself, but I couldn’t, I didn’t know what. After a while he sighed quietly, lifting his hand to rest on my knee.

“Felix, what…?” He started.

“I hate myself.” I blurted wetly, dragging in a painful breath and avoiding his gaze as my thoughts tumbled out of me. “I hate myself, Chan… it’s not usually this bad, but my brain won’t shut up and I mess up everything I do, and I feel like I don’t belong here and I can’t help it but I hate myself.”

Tears had begun rolling out of my eyes again and I looked up to see him watching me with such a pained expression that I only cried more, dragging ragged breaths in and out as I sobbed. Soon his hands were on my skin, drawing me close to him and enclosing me in his arms. I was pressed against his chest as one of his hands held the back of my head, pushing my face into his shoulder, and the other ran slowly up and down my back. He tucked his nose into my hair, shushing me quietly as I cried against him. 

His touch was grounding, and I found myself clinging to him as a reminder of what was real, holding me stable. My breaths began to slow and the tears stopped falling as he whispered gently into my ear, tracing his fingers over my back.

“I’m here, it’s okay, shh, please…” He murmured into my ear as he rocked me slowly, and I began to relax against him, taking in what he was saying and focusing on calming my breaths. When I had calmed down enough to think clearly, humiliation and shame flushed in me, at how I was behaving. I pulled away, standing up quickly and turning my back to Chan, dabbing my fingers desperately below my eyes and feeling anxiety pool in my stomach. How could I have broken down like that in front of him? 

“Felix.” I heard him sigh and stand up behind me. “Look, I know you don’t like letting people see you hurt,” I took a sharp breath in, “but it’s okay.” I stopped. Turned around. 

“It’s okay to not be happy all the time. That’s what I’m here for, please.” He gave me a small, encouraging smile, and I began to wonder how I could ever have been so lucky to have met him; to have him care for me like this. 

I had stopped crying. But I craved comfort I had denied myself too many times. After a hesitant moment of just standing and looking at him, I made up my mind and stepped nearer, wrapping my arms around his neck and pulling him close to me. His arms quickly found their way around my body again, and I pressed my face into his shoulder, breathing him in and hoping he could feel how grateful I was for him.

“There you go.” He whispered, squeezing me tightly against him. “That’s it.”

I let him comfort me. I let him see how terrible I was feeling and gripped him closer to me with every shaky breath, his own hold never loosening around my back. It was okay. I could trust him.

When he pulled away to look at me, eyes scanning my face like he was looking for something in particular, he took my hand and gently led me to sit on the couch again. The lighting was still dim, only the streetlight leaking through the window, but I could clearly see his features, still creased in concern but mostly just giving me a warm, loving look. He asked me to explain how I felt. So calmly that I didn’t feel like crying. I nodded, took a deep breath, and told him.

I poured out my thoughts, not for very long, but I told him everything I needed to get out: how I compared myself to everyone, constantly tried to improve myself but was worried I would never be able to, how sometimes I wondered why I was there at all. He listened carefully – it was obvious he was thinking about everything I was saying, and already planning what he was going to do to help me. Chan was like that, his nature ever eager to help other people, let them shine and be happy, even if it meant he might be side-lined himself. 

“Okay.” Was all he said at first, and I was surprised. “Okay, I think I get it.”

“You do?” I asked, hating the desperation in my voice but not being able to hide the unquantifiable comfort it would give me for someone else to understand. He nodded, eyebrows furrowing in thought.

“Yeah, I think I do. And I don’t know if anything I say will make you feel any better… I think this might be something you have to… you know, figure out on your own.” I nodded, my stomach already dropping in fear of being alone again.

“But Felix,” he stopped my racing thoughts, meeting my eyes. “You’re not alone. You are not alone.” My breath almost stopped with the conviction he said it. “You are surrounded by people who love you. Everyone asleep in this dorm right now would do anything to make you happy, and so would I.” A few tears slipped down my cheeks and he quickly brushed them away, giving me a small smile.

“You have to know how amazing you are. You amaze me every day. And I know it will take more than me saying that for you to start being kinder to yourself, but the others and I will be beside you every step towards appreciating yourself, I promise. I just don’t want you to go through a night like this alone, don’t be afraid to talk to us.” He took my hand, and I nodded again, my lip quivering with emotion. 

“I don’t deserve you guys…” I choked out, reaching up to wipe my eyes again, letting out a weak laugh. 

“Don’t be silly.” He pulled me into his side again. “Of course you do, or you wouldn’t be here.”

I didn’t know how to express my gratitude for Chan, and all he had just said, in words. So instead I tangled my fingers in his and squeezed them, meeting his eyes with what I hoped was a somewhat optimistic expression, despite the tears still gathered in my own.

“What’s going on?” A whispered voice from behind us made both of us jump, and we whipped around to see Jisung walking out of his room, rubbing his eyes tiredly and squinting into the room. He flipped the light switch on, and suddenly the room was bright. I squinted at the sudden light. “What are you guys doing?”

“Nothing, Jisung-ah, go back to sleep.” Chan murmured quietly, smiling at him reassuringly. But then Jisung’s eyes flickered over to me, and widened comically, his face the picture of alarm as he noticed the tear tracks on my cheeks.

“Felix?” He asked, hurrying across the room and sitting next to me, now wide awake, peering at my face worriedly. “What’s wrong?”

I opened my mouth to tell him, but quickly closed it again. I was so used to lying. And besides, I didn’t quite know where to begin. Jisung’s eyes flickered between Chan and I.

“Felix is just… feeling a bit down on himself at the moment.” Chan explained carefully, and I watched Jisung’s face crumple into pain and meet my eyes again. “But don’t you think he’s amazing?”

My heart swelled at how quickly Jisung nodded his head, gaze serious as he grabbed my hand from my lap. 

“Felix, you are amazing, please don’t forget that.” He assured, and I felt a lump form in my throat, tears beginning to build in my eyes again. “You’re like, the best dancer I know, and you give such good hugs, and you make me laugh, and don’t mind when I cry in front of you, and I honestly don’t know where I would be without you.” The sincerity and pure love in Jisung’s rambling made a couple of tears slip from my eyes, and he pouted at me, eyes still sleepy and his hair sticking up in all directions.

“Oh, don’t cry, don’t cry, please…” He shuffled closer to me, wrapping his arms around my form and resting his head on my shoulder as I nodded, leaning into him and trying to stop. His hand rubbed up and down my arm and I felt Chan’s warm hand on the small of my back, an ever-comforting presence. 

“I actually got out of bed to pee.” Jisung whispered after a few moments of the embrace, and I laughed, releasing him. 

“Go, stupid.” I chuckled, pushing him off the couch and watching with a smile as he hurried off to the bathroom.

“Hey, do you want to go to bed now? Do you think you can sleep?” Chan asked, and I bit my lip. The thought of trying to sleep again was worrying; after all the hours I had lain there, it didn’t seem likely I would be able to.

“I don’t know…” I said quietly, meeting his gaze anxiously.

“Come on,” he stood up and held out his hand for me to take, “I’ll help you.”

When we got back into my room, Jisung had already gone back to bed, and the lights were off again. My eyelids were beginning to droop, the exhaustion from practice all day and the emotional fatigue catching up to me, but being in the dark of the room was already stirring unease in my stomach, as I feared the toxic thoughts that would again overtake me, reversing all the progress I had just made.

Chan noticed my apprehension as I stood, staring at my own bed, and sighed. He gently took my arm and led me out of the room and towards his own. He quietly lay down on his bed and pulled me down next to him, and I didn’t protest, letting him wrap me in his arms again and pressing my face into his chest. We lay in silence for a moment, and I grew more tired, but still not calm enough to sleep. Chan had always had a special talent for always knowing exactly what I needed, even before I did.

“Changbin.” He spoke suddenly into the silent room. 

“Hey, Changbin.” He said louder, and I frowned up at him, wondering why he was waking the poor boy. The shape of his roommate shifted in the bed across the room and a low groan echoed through the room. “Changbin.”

“What?” He poked his head up, probably glaring at us. “What do you want?” His voice was low and raspy, obviously not wanting to be awake, but Chan didn’t seem to care. 

“Get down here.” A huff was heard from the other side of the room.

“I’m not coming down anywhere.” I felt my lips quirk into a small smile, and heard Chan sigh exasperatedly, his chest rising from beneath my head. 

“Changbin-ah, Felix needs you right now.” He said seriously, making sure it came across to Changbin that he wasn’t joking. I felt my cheeks heat up. As embarrassing as it was, he was right. There was a moment of silence, before Changbin began to shift, slowly getting up and making his way across the room to Chan’s bed.

Without a word, he wriggled his way in beside me, pushing Chan into the wall and squeezing his arms around me to fit on. His body was pressed tightly against mine, shifting for a moment before his chin rested on my shoulder, clinging to both of us so that I was completely sandwiched between the two of them.

“What’s wrong?” He whispered softly, and I shrugged, encircled in both Chan and his grip. His hand came up to brush my cheek, so gently I barely felt his touch. “You’ve been crying.” There was something sad in his voice, and his legs twisted around my own, pulling himself closer.

“I was.” I agreed, and felt Chan rest his chin lightly on the top of my head, adjusting his position, his back pressed against the wall and his arms wrapped around my body and reaching Changbin’s shoulder, making sure he was securely on the bed. I took a deep breath, the darkness and silence providing a sort of safety for me. “I didn’t want to wake either of you up.”

“You were alone?” Changbin asked softly, and I nodded slowly, my eyes drifting shut as the warmth of their bodies relaxed me. 

“Yeah, I was alone.” I murmured, turning my head and feeling someone’s lips brush my forehead, someone’s fingers find my own under the cover. I couldn’t even tell who spoke the last words I heard, sleep already overtaking me, my senses slipping away. But I just caught it, words whispered through the room, flickering in my head and into my dreams.

“You aren’t anymore.”

**Author's Note:**

> basically I wish that when I felt like this I could be cuddled by stray kids lol


End file.
